*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.