Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Google assistant rules
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.