The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
You Might Also Like
As the Lord intended
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*