[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
mariah carrie
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.