A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.