With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
The government even made aliens boring
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out