FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.