What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I found your tweet-up…
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.