I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.