“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY