We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I finally found a reason to live again.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.