[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.