Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa