DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
You Might Also Like
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!