Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Snapes on a plane.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.