I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.