Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?