My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.