Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie