I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.