I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Just grow your own
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.