I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.