Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Green is just blue that someone peed in
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.