All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Mhm.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that