My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet