I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*