Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
went fishing caught a bass
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.