*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂