Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click