[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Forever 21… pounds overweight
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon