[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”