You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out