*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.