[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn