*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You are what you delete.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid