I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited