earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
awkward
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.