I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade