Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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motivation
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.