Quadruple digit IQ
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever