Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”