Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.