[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Why are bridges so flammable.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions