Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?