[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her