Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You Might Also Like
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*