birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
It was worth a shot 😂
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.