Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.