Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*