Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.